Toxic Shame

Imbalanced Judgment splits down the middle. There is Toxic Shame and there is Toxic Blame. In Toxic Shame, we attribute too much responsibility to one person as a Resolution Process. We teach the Child to blame herself without also teaching her to consider the other Causes involved. In doing this we subject her to more adversity than she can handle. She is a Child and is still learning. She has not been completely trained. She is not a fully functional Cause and is going to be making mistakes in her duty towards the other people in her relationships. When we attribute too much of the cause of failure to a Child, we forget to evaluate the heavier responsibilities of the parents. Parents are responsible to train and cherish their Children.

“Parents have a sacred duty to rear their children in love and righteousness, to provide for their physical and spiritual needs, and to teach them to love and serve one another, observe the commandments of God, and be law-abiding citizens wherever they live. Husbands and wives—mothers and fathers—will be held accountable before God for the discharge of these obligations.” ~The Family, A Proclamation to the World

The Cause-Child relationship may be dysfunctional in some way. The cause of the Conflict, while seeming like it is the sole product of a Child’s choice, may actually also be attributable to her Causes.

“And again, inasmuch as parents have children in Zion, or in any of her stakes which are organized, that teach them not to understand the doctrine of repentance, faith in Christ the Son of the living God, and of baptism and the gift of the Holy Ghost by the laying on of the hands, when eight years old, the sin be upon the heads of the parents.” ~D&C 68:25

The goal of Toxic Shame, whether we are conscious of it or not, is to motivate a Child, through shame, to stop her Imbalanced Behavior. This is reviling the Child in order to stop her reviling behavior. We’re trying to stop reviling by Turning and Reviling again. This is not a functional Conflict Resolution Process.

“But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you; That ye may be the children of your Father which is in heaven: for he maketh his sun to rise on the evil and on the good, and sendeth rain on the just and on the unjust.” ~Matthew 5:44-45

Contrasting Toxic Shame with Balanced Judgment

In Toxic Shame we focus on correcting one person to resolve all of her Conflicts. If we’re trying to do this to ourselves, then we can know that we’ve been listening too long too someone who judges with Toxic Shame and Blame. This is like having an autoimmune disease. Our immune system is attacking our own body.

In Balanced Judgment we evaluate everyone who was involved in the Conflict. We look at their behaviors and needs. We know that there are usually multiple Causes of Conflict that may be hidden.

In Toxic Shame we are more focused on right and wrong—the law. We’re trying to force our Children to obey the law. We’re more worried about our own Toxic Shame accusing us of negligence in training and correcting our Children. If we’ve been listening to Toxic Shame in our head we’re motivated to fulfill our own duties in our relationships by the fear of being shamed for not doing it. That’s not Love.

Listen: The Middle by Jimmy Eat World

In Balanced Judgment we focus on the purpose of the law. And that purpose is the goal to Re-Functionalize the relationship, whether it be the relationship between the brother and sister or between the parent and child. We focus on discovering the real needs of the individuals involved and helping them develop a plan for those needs to be met sustainably.

“…for your heavenly Father knoweth that ye have need of all these things.” ~Matthew 6:32

In Toxic Shame we lack balanced training. We lack a Balanced Cause. And the result is that we haven’t been taught how to resolve Conflicts appropriately. We don’t know there is a better way to correct Imbalanced Behaviors.

“For behold that all little children are alive in Christ, and also all they that are without the law. For the power of redemption cometh on all them that have no law; wherefore, he that is not condemned, or he that is under no condemnation, cannot repent” ~Moroni 8:22

In Balanced Judgment we have knowledge and ability. We have real, effective Conflict Resolution skills because we have been trained by Balanced Causes. We know the best way to correct Imbalanced Behaviors that are preventing members of a given relationship from giving and receiving Love—spiritual nourishment.

Read also about Toxic Blame.