In Blaming Judgment we attribute too much responsibility to other Causes as a Resolution Process. We teach the child to blame another child, her parents, or other Causes, without also evaluating her own choices that contributed to the Conflict.
The goal for Toxic Blame, whether we are conscious of it or not, is to absolve the child of any responsibility as a Resolution Process. It is to actively blame everyone else for the failure, whatever it was. This is Reviling other Causes—our parents, our teachers, God, etc. That is Turning and Reviling Again. It is ignoring the fact that a Child has the capacity to learn the Processes she needs to engage in to obtain the blessings of Functional Relationships. It is ignoring her potential. When we teach Children to blame Causes for all the bad things that happen to them and not acknowledge her own choices, we teach them that they can do nothing about their Conflicts but blame everyone else for them.
Contrasting Toxic Blame with Balanced Judgment
In Toxic Blame, we over-focus on correcting the parents or other Causes outside of one’s control or personal authority.
In Balanced Judgment, we objectively teach the Child about factors outside her control that contribute to Conflict. We then empower her to focus on the factors within her control. We teach her that with our help and the Savior’s Atoning Sacrifice she can resolve any Conflict. We (us and the Savior) support her through the ongoing Dysfunctional behavior of the other members of the relationship. After giving these people plenty of time to Re-Functionalize and they choose not to, our Savior will redeem this Child by placing her into another relationship in which she will be adequately nourished.
In Toxic Blame we teach Causes with the assumption that they are defaulting in their duties. We treat them as guilty until proven innocent. No one will respond well to that kind of teaching and treatment. In more severe forms of Toxic Blame, we attempt to correct Causes through accusations. And the whole problem with this kind of judgment is that we don’t even take the time to know whether they are already fulfilling their responsibilities adequately.
“And the great Dragon was cast out, that old serpent, called the Devil, and Satan…for the accuser of our brethren is cast down, which accused them before our God day and night.” ~Revelations 12:10
In Balanced Judgment, we do not interfere in the relationships of others unless we are responsible for the Child or the Cause. If we’re not and there is a Conflict that we’re concerned about, we contact the appropriate Cause. If we are, we objectively assess whether the Cause is actually fulfilling his duties towards the Child or not in order to know how best to resolve the conflict. We want to know what kind of intervention is needed if any. We evaluate what is working and what is not. In kindness and in emergencies we are always our brother’s keeper.
In Toxic Blame we expect perfect Balanced Behavior and Judgment from Causes (who are also Servants) right now. There is no time to learn it. We condemn them for any Imbalances. That means we label them and ‘timeline judge’ them (see post Timeline Judgment).
In Balanced Judgment, we consider that responsible Causes are Servants. They are still on their journey to understand parenting skills. They are judged according to the level of their understanding. We invite them to increase their understanding with us to prepare themselves against future Conflicts. We show by example that we’re already trying to do this and when we encounter Conflicts with our Children that we don’t know how to resolve, we have a Cause, namely Jesus Christ and his Servants who we go to for help. We assure them that we’re willing to be a part of their training Process if they need our help. If we have higher-level skills we don’t use them in Pride. We’re interested in sharing them in order to help others resolve their relationship Conflicts.
In Toxic Blame we assume that the problem is only with parents, teachers, leaders, counselors, coaches, or leaders. We don’t acknowledge the agency of the Children. We point our fingers before we have the complete story.
In Balanced Judgment, we consider that it is a real possibility that the cause of the Conflict could be the Child. Children may not have yet developed the maturity to obtain their Desires and resolve their Conflicts in a more Balanced way because:
- They are too young and will learn in time.
- They are relying on Conflicting Causes (not the parents) and their substances.
Even though little Children are not culpable because they don’t know better, they still cause Conflict. Empathizing with how difficult that is for a parent to deal with some days is a part of Balanced Judgment.
In Toxic Blame we focus on who is most culpable or who is mostly in the wrong in a given Conflict as the sole means of Conflict Resolution. We’re keeping score.
In Balanced Judgment, we focus on the real goal to Re-Functionalize the relationship by retraining the individuals involved, whether it is the Child or the Cause. We understand that those who are the Causes in the relationship are more accountable for a higher degree of Balanced Behavior and Judgment than the Children, who are still learning. We know that those with more knowledge are more accountable than those without but they also have a greater level of privileges.
“And that servant, which knew his lord’s will, and prepared not himself, neither did according to his will, shall be beaten with many stripes. But he that knew not, and did commit things worthy of stripes, shall be beaten with few stripes. For unto whomsoever much is given, of him shall be much required: and to whom men have committed much, of him they will ask the more.” ~Luke 12:47-48
In Balanced Judgment, we attempt to retrain the Cause first so he can then train his Child INSTEAD OF circumventing the responsible Cause and going straight to the Child. We only work directly with the Child if the Cause repeatedly declines re-training. Plenty of merciful time and space are given. I always think of this as not skipping a generation. If we did it would be like we were grandparents trying to parent our grandchildren to resolve the Conflict when our priority would be to work with our son or daughter. Many Conflicts arise in relationships with people in Cause positions who try to take over the responsibilities of Causes who are below them or beside them.
“We have learned by sad experience that it is the nature and disposition of almost all men, as soon as they get a little authority, as they suppose, they will immediately begin to exercise unrighteous dominion.” ~D&C 121:39
In Toxic Blame we are untrained in Balanced Judgment. We don’t know that there is a way to resolve Conflicts in Causes. We don’t understand the Servant state that most Causes are progressing through. We assume they already have been taught Balanced Behavior by their Cause. We assume they are purposefully breaking the law. That is, we assume knowledge where there is ignorance and thus innocence.
In Balanced Judgment, we are trained in Balanced Judgment by other Balanced Causes and Judges. We have real, effective, sustainable Conflict Resolution Skills. We recognize that no one’s life is perfect. We are aware of the domino effect of multiple generational Causes. We’re willing to Stand Steadfast in Christ where we’re able to counteract this Imbalance in all of our relationships. We’re willing to develop this ability over time in order to Love all those within our appointed circle of influence who stand in need.
Read about Toxic Shame.